PLEiADES;.

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this is my new baby. please enjoy & leave lots of comments. comments are love ♥

i came upon a somehow startling but stark and glaringly obvious realization today as i realized that i let myself go until the point of exhaustion to sleep: i’m still reluctant, almost not ready, to believe i am worth taking care of. the amazing revelations and improvements i’ve made this year have been undoubtedly powerful and amazing, in contrast to my previous stubborn (and sometimes subconscious) unwillingness to change. yet i think about myself still and yet i really am still obstinately not willing to change on my accord, waiting for some miracle to change me. i became lazy and somehow despondent. i did not commit myself to myself but thought my problems would take care of themselves. well they most certainly will not without daily active proactive (that may seem redundant but to me it’s not) commitment to my goals, my destination, my dreams, my hopes…

so once and for all, tell me all of your dreams…

maybe i’ve just been caught up in things and become manic (or is it maniacal?) with my most recent pursuits. my return of extremism and loss of moderacy (is that a word? if not i just coined it.. oh, the word i was looking for was moderation– isn’t that an interesting phrase? “looking for a word”.. as if it were lost. anyway, moving on) should have been an apparent warning sign instead of putting myself into the frame of mind in which i have begun to let everything fall away uselessly. i simply cannot let this happen to myself again. this was my life in the past: something or other, somehow. i can’t say i was born this way, that’s blaming birth for my own choices. but i have been like this for as long as i remember because i haven’t worked to change. it is almost pathetic that i have to make rules for myself like “go to sleep before four in the morning and sleep at least seven or so hours a night” because that’s not what people say to themselves, that’s what parents say to children. i may still be a child in all the most irritating of ways but the only thing i can do right now is try to grow up, can’t i?

the answer to my constant rhetorical questions is consistently, yes. yes, in fact, i can.

circa 2002.

i don’t need eyeliner
circles of fatigue
already line eyes of coals
i don’t need eyeshadow
dark marks of stress
already shadow my face
i don’t need mascara
it smudges anyway
leaving lines of black

i don’t need blush
my cheeks are already
red with anger
i don’t need concealer
if my acne shows
let it stay as a part of me
i don’t need powder
my face is too rough
to be softened

i don’t need lipstick
my lips are already colored
with what it was meant to be
i don’t need lipliner
i know where my lips are
thank you very much
i don’t need love
all it causes me is pain
and my heart hurts here.

and i don’t need you
to tell me who i am
because
guess what?

i know.

*

2003:

what, in your opinion, is the film that epitomizes modern life in high schools today?
i would have to suggest drive me crazy as the most suitable candidate, because its seamless storyline, with its side plots involving cliques, labelling, and trying to fit in, best summarizes a high school romance while still depicting what most of high school really is; finding yourself and where you belong and not trying to be someone you’re not. the unstereotypical characters and the genuine feel of popularity and outsiders makes it one of the best, in my opinion, high school romance films. its seemingly average popularity is a fault of a low budget and itself being a television movie.

a runner up would probably be never been kissed, however its one snag is its rather stereotyped groups and unrealistic display of unpopular people, most notably found in leelee sobieski’s kind, but stereotyped character. the breakfast club, a moderately old film, has all the essence of a good high school movie but none of the true feeling, what with only a few students representing the rest and the rather offensive [in my opinion] ending in which the “gothic” girl is given a makeover and therefore achieves instant popularity and a jock boyfriend, regardless of being someone she is not.

2008 commentary: i don’t even remember seeing “never been kissed”, but i googled “drive me crazy” since i didn’t remember it, but now i do. i liked that movie. yes, it was nice.. sigh.. i liked the romance.

so i’ve been spending the last few days not-sleeping (actually, only a day and a half, really, but it lasted enough for me to feel out of it. or maybe it’s just because i have been out of it ever since wednesday night and not sleeping. blah. it’s hard to adjust sometimes and i get into times when i can’t do anything cuz i’m so caught up in nothing and so behind in everything else. life. i need to make myself a priority. and take care of myself truly. either way i’ve been drugging [figuratively] myself to the point of extreme disgust and dehydration and sickness and deprivation lately and it doesn’t feel too great. sigh.

i’m still an extremely polarized and extremist person and i wish i knew how to change.

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um, yeah. :)